Refusal is a part of life and is found in many of its aspects. But how can we cope with a refusal when talking about our love life? What should we do and, more importantly, what should we avoid doing? Here are some tips from therapists.
First, let’s clarify a few things
Refusal has always existed. Whether you started with a “NO” when you wanted to go to the disco (a kind of old school club, for those who don’t know) and reached a “NO” in the online environment, the discomfort was certainly the same.
Rejection is processed in the brain just like physical pain and is one of the most personal things that can happen to you. We have learned throughout evolution to beware of dangerous things, even if we do the complete opposite thing in love. We learned to walk and we fell, once, and again, and again until we stopped falling.
1. A refusal has nothing to do with you
Rejection in love has nothing to do with you. I mean, you can’t make decisions for another person, even if you would prefer that. Each of us has a specific set of values and a piece of different emotional baggage.
Don’t refer to refusal as a parting. The refusal happens at the beginning and the parting… at the end. In most cases, you didn’t do anything that led to the refusal. You just didn’t fit in with the other person’s “soulmate” idea.
2. Avoid band-aid type meetings
If the refusal was a painful one for you, from someone you thought was “perfect”, then give yourself some time to recover. Pride often strikes us and we try to prove that we cannot be rejected. That’s how we end up dating anyone who looks like an “easy target”, just to get a “YES”.
Another common behavior is to go out on dates, hoping that the person who rejected you will see that you are continuing your life and, somehow, they would become jealous. Would you really like to build a relationship based on pride?
3. Give yourself time to heal
Recovery is an individual process, and the way we do it differs from person to person. Contrary to popular belief, time does not cure you. Time itself does nothing. What matters is what you do all this time.
Put your thoughts in order and ask yourself: “Okay, and now what?”. Think about the actions you need to take to break the deadlock. Make a conscious choice to heal yourself.
4. Seek support around you
Maybe it wouldn’t be bad to unload. Go out for coffee with your best friend and tell them what happened and how you feel at that moment.
Naturally, we tend not to talk about these issues with others. Especially with friends. We just wouldn’t want them to know that we were rejected by someone and the impact this refusal has on us. This goes for both women and men.
If you choose to stay in a bubble for too long, it will be very difficult for you to get out of it too soon. Especially since it is one full of insecurity, shame and mistrust.
Tell someone these things. Tell them how you feel because they will definitely contradict you. I mean, they’re going to tell you that you’re not a down-to-earth, untrustworthy and sad person. They’ll tell you that you only feel that way right now and hearing a completely different version of what kind of person you are, will definitely make you feel better.
5. No game is risk-free
You know very well that love is a game. After all, relationships are also a kind of game. Some end quickly, and others go on indefinitely. The higher the reward, the higher the risk, but the stakes are just as high: love.
Of course you can choose not to meet anyone after a refusal, but you don’t really want that. You only need a little time to regain your strength and then come back in force.
I know things are always “more complicated than they seem” but your attitude is the key. Remember that your happiness is strictly related to you and no one else is responsible for it.